25 Ways to Grow From a Breakup
Your partner is gone. The relationship, with all its hopes and dreams, is over.
Or is it? What even happened?
Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief accurately describe some of the responses that people cycle through after a breakup:
Denial, avoidance, confusion, shock and fear
Anger, frustration, irritation and anxiety
Depression, overwhelm, collapse and helplessness
Bargaining, pleading, reaching out to others and telling one’s story
Acceptance, exploring options, moving on and inner peace
What helps get through a breakup?
25 Ways to Grow From a Breakup
1. Relationships Are Not About Getting Love. They Teach Us How to Love.
What are relationships for?
If I approach relationships as a way to meet my needs for touch, empathy, affectionate and love, I might negotiate a balanced, sustainable exchange. But I also might grasp with craving and be scared, disappointed, or angry when my needs aren’t met. Such an approach can treat people more like vending machines than as divine sovereign beings.
What if instead, I engage relationships to learn how to love? Bit by bit I come to accept myself and others, for who we are, without trying to poke or prod anyone to change in any way.
So when the relationship ends, and all relationships will in one way or another, the question is then, “How do I accept even this? How can I grow in my capacity for love and compassion?”
When you wake up each morning, is there a guiding value or purpose that you remember to orient your day? This intention to live more and more from an open heart can be a compass that orients us towards growth and healing.
It’s like rough rocks being polished in a rock tumbler. You fill a small container with unremarkable rocks, add a coarse abrasive and some water, and let it spin on its axis for a few hours. The transformation is incredible. The stones are unrecognizable — shiny, smooth, and sparkling with deep color. In the same way, the challenges of our lives like breakups are catalysts that draw out our innate beauty. Without trying initiations we would never know our true strength.
Let's imagine a dialogue between the different parts of your psyche to illustrate how Alchemical Hypnotherapy helps with depression. Working with the self not as a single unit, but as consisting of different parts, helps us get to the cause of depression.
Imagine that your negative mood is a friend of yours, like Eeyore is a friend of Pooh's. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and get in touch with this part of you. Let the negativity take the form of an image, of a symbol. Perhaps it is a dark cloud? A distrustful child? A frustrated teenage rebel?
Perhaps as you are trying to get in touch with these sad feelings, something else comes up. There might be anger or judgment. A part of you thinks, “Nobody likes an Eeyore! I hate this part of me. I need to hide how weak I am.”
Part of hypnotherapy is un-blending emotions. It's like untangling a Gordian knot. First the angry part is addressed: “Yes, I hear you. You are worried that it is not safe to be negative around other people. They will judge us, leave us, and we will be alone and unloved.”
The angry part feels heard and calms down. So now we can continue exploring the sad part. We might ask the depression, “What is wrong with life? Complain all you want. I want to listen to you.”
There are always reasons why you get down on yourself. Here is the chance to discover what is really driving you. Perhaps there are memories from childhood to explore.
Imagine the depression told a story like this: “I have always been asked to be quiet. I was told I was too much, or the world was too unsafe, so I hid. I remember Mom asking me to consider the needs of others, and I had to hold myself back.”
There's generally relief when the unconscious is made conscious and someone discovers what is driving them. But some people come to therapy already aware of their stories, but aren't able to challenge them. That's when we write a new story. It's like changing the code of a computer program. Hypnotherapy actually allows us to do this.
Perhaps the new script is something like, “I honor myself. I welcome all my feelings. I no longer need to hide or hold myself back. I am allowed to be me, with all my messiness and complexity.”
It's also helpful to release the old story physically, so it is no longer held in the body. Perhaps tears are shed, or anger is expressed with hitting, twisting, or shaking.
There is no need to re-traumatize yourself. You don't have to dive in and get lost in the old pain. You stay in connection with the hypnotherapist. You are witnessed. You remember the strength and goodness in yourself and in the world. You take little baby steps so you realize you are in control. There is no need to rush the healing process.
Here's the thing: healing is possible. How you have been is not how you will always be. Society, your parents, or whoever, might not have seen the real you. You lost touch of it momentarily. Now you have the joy of rediscovering yourself. You get to express life in a totally unique way, whether it is in your presence, voice, or professional work. Whatever your gifts are, they are so valuable and needed.
Use Alchemical Hypnotherapy to change your story: old to new. Practice a new way of being that is natural and intuitive. You will notice the positive changes after your first session, and the results will gather momentum with each one. The techniques of Alchemical Hypnotherapy can radically change your life for better. Will you give them a try?
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